Author Topic: Humor  (Read 10412 times)

Feertti

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Humor
« on: October 10, 2017, 08:00:47 PM »
Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
 

The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."
 

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2017, 06:37:52 PM »
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

 

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

 

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2017, 08:06:00 PM »
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, ?Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland??

One of them snarled at me, ?It?s Wales, dumbo!?

So I corrected myself, ?Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland??

That?s about as far as I remember.

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2017, 09:26:07 PM »
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2017, 07:14:24 PM »
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young attractive idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2018, 08:15:50 PM »
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2018, 05:47:17 PM »
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2018, 06:29:59 PM »
Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured, he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he asked, " What in the world happened to you?"

Russ replied, "I was in jail."

"Jail?" Cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "You know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' "

 

"The damn judge gave me thirty days for lying under oath."

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2018, 10:12:05 PM »
My girlfriend told me to come over to her house but only her sister was home. I sat there waiting for my girlfriend with her unbelievably sexy sister beside me.

She was kind of flirty but I wasn?t sure so I kept those thoughts to myself.

Then she comes right up to me and whispers in my ear, ?We should have sex before my sister comes home.?

 

I immediately got up and walked out of the house to my car, where to my surprise, I found my girlfriend standing by the door.

She hugged me and said, ?You?ve won my trust.?

 

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2018, 06:51:16 PM »
A large group of Taliban soldiers were moving down a road when they heard a lone voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One SEAL is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One SEAL is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The SEAL voice calls out, "One SEAL is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.

After total silence for about 15 minutes, the Taliban commander starts up the hill to find out what happened to his troops. He begins to find his troops in every form of death imaginable. Some had no limbs, some were shot between the eyes, some were missing their ears and other more private parts, some were so disfigured they were not recognizable as humans.


Finally, the Taliban commander heard one of his fallen troops groan. Upon a closer look, he saw that the soldier was barely able to curl his finger for the commander to come closer. The commander quickly knelt down beside this last breathing soldier to hear what had befallen the regiment of his best fighters.

With his dying breath, the soldier whispered, "It's a trick. There's two of them".

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2018, 08:43:10 PM »
Someone asked an old man: ?Even after 70 years,

you still call your wife ? Darling, Honey, Luv. What?s the secret?

Old man: I forgot her name and I?m scared to ask her.

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2018, 08:50:37 PM »
A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.

However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially.
 

When they saw their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish.

First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then came the financial planner, who put a $1,000 bill there, too.
 

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer?s turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

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Re: Humor
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2019, 09:23:57 PM »
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

Feertti

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Re: Humor
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2020, 09:24:12 PM »
Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them.
“That’s us in ten years,” he says.
His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, “That’s a mirror.”